Asking Eric: Advice on how to help friends in narcissistic entanglement

Dear Eric: I am a single woman in my early 60s who has become close with a couple. They have four children, and their second oldest daughter (30) is an alcoholic and has a physically and verbally abusive on/off relationship with an alcoholic boyfriend.

She recently dropped the bomb on her parents that she’s pregnant and perhaps she should keep it as it may “give her purpose.” At times, she accepts her parents’ loving help, but from what I can attest, she is mainly manipulative and plays the blame game.

Because I am an alcoholic (sober more than years), I have been a resource for the parents as well as the daughter, trying to help them understand it is not their fault, as well as you can lead a horse to water, but the addict needs to want the change.

I felt good being able to provide some insight into an addict’s thinking, but with the new monkey wrench of pregnancy and the daughter’s fragile state of mind, I am at a loss as I am not a professional with credentials.

Do you have some resources which may be helpful for my friends? They are a wonderful husband/wife couple (married more than 33 years), and their daughter’s addiction and narcissistic behavior is taking a toll on their lives and affecting the other children as well. It’s heart-wrenching to watch/hear.

– Flummoxed

Dear Flummoxed: An Al-Anon meeting (al-anon.org) or a SMART Recovery family meeting (smartrecovery.org) are good first steps for your friends to learn tools for processing what’s happening and helping their loved one. You can also volunteer to go with them in the beginning, if you’d like.

Additionally, they should reach out to the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration Hotline (samhsa.gov or 800-662-HELP) for in-depth resources. The hotline is available 24/7 and can point the parents to recovery resources, treatment options, counselors and more.

Lastly, continue to give your friend the gift of your presence and advice. There are other ways that they can get the help they need, but your experience, strength and hope, along with your friendship, will be invaluable as they navigate this challenge.

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Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.