Asking Eric: Wife hounded by lies after husband’s suicide

Dear Eric: I am really struggling with anger and heartbreak and need a little help. A year ago, my husband took his own life. Four days before he passed, he told me that he had been having an affair with another man.

I had suspected there was something going on and I asked my husband. He never gave me a straight answer. The affair had been off and on for years.

This affair partner is around all the time and basically accused me of having something to do with him taking his own life, among other things he accused me of.

My husband’s sons know absolutely nothing about this situation. He presents himself as my husband’s best friend. And they have given him a place to live, and a job.

Now, if I want to be around my stepsons, I have to tolerate him. I want so badly to tell my stepsons the truth about him, but I don’t want to tarnish their memories of their dad. He has told horrible stories about me and spread lies about our relationship. I am about to go nuts. What should I do?

– Maligned Widow

Dear Widow: I’m so sorry you have to deal with the shock and disorientation of the affair and the lies on top of the grief of surrounding your husband’s suicide. This is just awful.

No matter what was going on within your marriage, you didn’t cause this. You know the truth, no matter what the affair partner says.

This person seems very manipulative, perhaps dangerously so. It won’t serve you to get into a “he said/she said.” However, if you fear that he’s taking advantage of your stepsons, talk to them calmly and privately.

Tell them that the things the man has said about you aren’t true, that they concern you and, for the sake of your relationship with the stepsons, you want to clear the air. This may feel like taking the high road to a fault, but there is no lower road. This other person has made that road all muck.

Your stepsons are adults and can handle the truth, if they ask further questions. This person has ingratiated himself into their lives, too, so it’s not gossiping to speak with sensitivity. Indeed, I worry about how their grief processes are being disrupted by his presence.

But this isn’t your battle to fight. The less he’s involved in your life going forward, the better.

To that end, try inviting your stepsons over or out to a meal instead of visiting them. Find places where you don’t have to engage with this person just to keep in touch with your stepsons.

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Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.