Flying High

Randy Adamy

Raise your hand if you enjoy flying. There’s no need to put your hand down. Nobody raised one. 

The first plane trip I remember was when I was around 9. The five of us in my family flew to Florida from Michigan to escape winter for a week or so. I had to get dressed up for the event. I recall our seats facing each other. The stewardesses (the term at the time) took great care of us. I may have been given wings. Fast forward a few decades.

I recently did a weekend in Orlando. I flew direct (!) from Birmingham, which I’ll admit was a rare treat. Other than feeling like a bovine lining up for hay during the boarding process, Southwest did a good job. By that I mean we had the same number of takeoffs as landings. I had a middle seat because I always have a middle seat. I refuse to pay more for an aisle or window, especially for a short flight. I can hold my pee for a long time when necessary. No food, but the coffee was free.

The most interesting part of my flying experience was not the plane. It was the Orlando airport. Over the intercom the mayor of Orlando informed us in a recorded voice that 70 million people come to his fine city every year. I’m assuming a vast majority are there to see Mickey and friends. I was there to see friends, but none of them looked like Mickey, Minnie or Goofy. OK, one person may have had a slight resemblance to that last one. I had several hours to kill before I could check in at my hotel, so I decided to record my observations of this very busy airport.

Where to start? The McDonald’s in the expansive food court. I got up at 4:30 a.m. and needed sustenance. The food court seated a few hundred and had a pantheon of food options. That Grand Rapids, Michigan, airport I took off from as a kid had one restaurant. Orlando has dozens and Atlanta has hundreds. Nowadays you can get a Brooks Brothers suit to go with your Egg McMuffin. I opted for only the latter. Mickey D’s got my order right and it was even hot. I did not get a 5-minute massage nor did I need to use the lactation pod, thank goodness. 

Most people I saw appeared a bit weary. Some looked frustrated and a few were dashing down the ramp to hopefully catch their flight. The kid next to me in the food court, Hudson, had a Happy Meal and seemed relatively happy. Maybe more people should have ordered what he got. 

As aforementioned, we dressed up to fly way back when. People now run the gamut from business casual to way too casual. I don’t want to see that much skin, especially on people in my age bracket. You can also see where some people opted for budget tattoos instead of premium. Big mistake. Too tight yoga pants? I blush.

I would estimate that 80% of the people walking around the airport were on their phone. Two things wrong here. First, we are addicted to our phones. A two-hour flight without use of your phone can apparently produce cold sweats and shaking. Second, can you watch where you are going? I mentioned the Costco problem a few weeks ago that people do not “stay in their lane” when pushing a shopping cart. Airport people are even worse as they look down at their screens. One man I saw ran into a trash receptacle. No damage to either party.

For those who read business news like the Wall Street Journal, you might know that Starbucks has had a rough go for some time now. There is talk of poor leadership, poor training, shifts that are too long and sluggish sales. Well, the Orlando airport Starbucks did not have sluggish sales when I came through. Neither did the Birmingham airport when I flew out that morning. The line at Starbucks is the real reason we have to arrive two hours early for our flights.

Disney made bank on one family I came across. Mom, dad, 6-year-old son and 4-year-old daughter all looked worn out. The daughter was in a Minnie Mouse sweatshirt with Minnie sweat pants, Disney princess Crocs and a suitcase from Frozen. The son had Baby Yoda luggage and a Mickey Mouse sweatshirt. Dad was carrying two duffel bags with mouse ears all over them. Nothing at Disney is “on the Mouse.” 

OK, maybe the Birmingham airport only has 3 million people pass through a year instead of 70 million. But, we can park close at reasonable rates, it is easy to drop off and pick up people and the longest you will wait at security is maybe 20 minutes. It’s often 10 or less. Since the upgrade and remodel a few years ago it is also attractive and very easy to navigate. No trains, trams or tunnels. I do not, however, understand why the word “international” is used in the name. Flying to Atlanta is not exactly going across the Atlantic Ocean.

I suppose Orlando is nice enough. Almost 3 million people live there. They call themselves Orlandoans. No, I didn’t make that up. Orlando is flat. Like a pancake or a sheet of paper. To find a hill you have to drive on a freeway overpass. 

I’ll take Birmingham. 

P.S. To be honest, my wife and I did have one over-the-top flight experience. We flew first class to Vietnam on Qatar Airline a few years ago. It was a hotel and restaurant in the sky.