I am in my 40s and struggling with breaking off a five-year relationship. My partner is kind, affectionate and emotionally open, but I’m having huge doubts about our compatibility. I’m buying my own place, which is stressful, while he leads a life lacking in responsibility (he lives at home). I find this difficult. We don’t face the same challenges or routines. I work nine-to-five, while he drifts around on whims and vague projects, and spends the few pounds that come his way on records. He will not accept that I find our different lifestyles difficult to reconcile.
I find myself trapped and stuck, not wanting to wound someone so kind. He is a wonderful man but I can see we are ill-suited in the long run. I feel concerned that I’m keeping him around as a friend. He doesn’t want to break up and is encouraging me not to end it. This is playing on my guilt about wishing to leave, as well as my fear of giving up on us and finding someone new – a daunting prospect. Something has to change. I just can’t seem to find the right words, or way to do it.
I know it can be maddening when someone answers a dilemma with a question, but what attracted you to this kind, affectionate, emotionally open slacker in the first place? Your frustration about the disparity in your life choices is palpable; I was curious about whether your partner’s circumstances have changed since you met and whether you had ever considered living together.
“We often start out thinking that we can change someone,’” says Kalanit Ben-Ari, a couples counsellor. “Then, over time, we realise that the person is not going to change.” In order to move forward, she suggests exploring what has kept you in the relationship for five years rather than being critical of his choices. “Examine why you have fallen for a person who is less likely to find a steady job. Something unconscious is going on here, maybe to do with your family of origin or issues with intimacy. I also wonder if you have had difficult past experiences concerning endings. Every time we have an ending, it surfaces all our previous losses.”
If you are intent on breaking up, you need to have one clear conversation. “Go to a neutral setting, like a cafe,” suggests Ben-Ari. “Tell him that you are parting with good memories of a kind and loving relationship and maybe also an understanding of the ways you contributed to your challenges as a couple. Then state that you do not see any future and that you don’t want him to hold out any hope of getting back together.”
But I sense ambivalence in your letter and Ben-Ari mentions that situations like yours are often created because one person is sending out mixed messages. “You have already discussed this, so why is it not clear to him that you don’t want to continue? I’m curious what part of you doesn’t want to be clear. Maybe you still enjoy the attention or he boosts your confidence.”
Cate Mackenzie, a relationship therapist, believes there is great benefit in working through what has gone awry. “Unless we do, we take it all with us into the next relationship.” She also wonders if you ever explicitly expressed what you wanted from him as a partner. “I often find working with couples that the minute people have nothing to lose, because they are breaking up, is the minute change starts to happen. There is a constructive way of speaking your truth with kindness.”
She recommends the Temperature Gauge, a free five-step online exercise designed by psychotherapist Virginia Satir which gives a compassionate framework for such conversations.
Mackenzie is interested in the alpha female/beta male dynamic, something women can feel conflicted about. “He might offer what you need – emotional support and nurturing.” Is it possible that a more evolved version of the relationship might actually be great? “We have a joke in therapy that goes: ‘Yes, you definitely deserve a new partner. How about working with the one you’ve got?’”
You might not want to, of course. But it sounds like this man has a lot of good qualities – he might just surprise you.
If you would like advice from Anita on how to navigate thorny issues between you and a friend, a partner or a family member, submit a brief description of your concerns here. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions
English (US)