Name: Separate bedrooms.
Appearance: Imagine one bedroom. Now, double it.
Status: The key to a happy marriage.
That’s a bold statement. Well, a royal expert has claimed that sleeping in separate bedrooms has done wonders for King Charles and Queen Camilla.
Right, it’s the separate bedrooms. Apparently, the king suffers from chronic back pain, which he is able to manage more effectively if he sleeps alone.
So it isn’t the palace, or the money, or the not having a proper job? No. Sleeping apart is seemingly what makes them happy.
“Happy” seems like a stretch. They permanently have the faces of people waiting for dental surgery. OK, fine, forget those two. Loads of couples sleep in separate bedrooms.
They do? Four in 10 of us, apparently.
Why? Have you never gone out with a snorer? Perhaps you have differing schedules. Or perhaps you just find it hard to maintain a sexual frisson with someone who farts 15 times a night.
Makes sense. There’s also the matter of interior design. The Daily Mail has claimed that Camilla’s bedroom is “decorated just the way she likes it”, which seems like a coded way of saying that she can’t stand how her husband has decorated his.
But what about intimacy? Well, the other secret King Charles and Camilla have is that they have three bedrooms: one for him, one for her and a shared one they can use whenever they find themselves gripped with lust.
Ew. So, that’s your answer. If you want to have a happy marriage, just make sure you live in a giant house.
Oh great, I’ll just pop out and buy one of those, then. Or you could always go one better. Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton lived in separate but adjoining houses. Frida Kahlo and Diego Rivera lived in houses joined by a bridge. And they seemed happy.
No they didn’t. The first couple are long divorced and the second cheated on each other constantly. Well, yes. But I bet they slept well.
Hardly realistic, though, is it? You have to admit, it does make some degree of sense. Sleeping apart gives each half the time and the space to be their own person. It doesn’t mean that you have to stop having sex.
You’re quite the advocate. Do you sleep apart? Actually, yes. Yes, I do. I wake up each morning happy and well-rested.
And do you still have plenty of sex? Is that the time? Must be off.
Do say: “Separate bedrooms might just preserve your marriage.”
Don’t say: “But I like cuddling my snoring, farting, sweaty duvet thief every night.”
English (US)