This is how we do it: ‘Dating other men makes me realise I have a place to come back to’

Josué, 33

It’s not cheating or replacing one another, it’s accepting that we both have urges

Everyone is different when it comes to sex. I’m the type of person who needs a special occasion to get me in the mood, such as a date, rather than just being in bed and saying, “let’s have sex”. Sharing my personal space and sleeping together is enough intimacy for me.

Sebastián is different. He’s more direct and could have sex at any moment. It’s more of a physical urge for him, whereas I need to build a profound connection. It’s never really been a problem, although I think he gets frustrated at times and wonders if I’m just making up excuses. But I explain to him that even just sharing a bed is a kind of sexual intimacy for me.

We’ve been together for eight years, so of course he knows how to push my buttons and how my body will naturally respond to his touch. He can still get me started even when I’m cranky or tired.

Over the years a lot has changed in our relationship, not necessarily in a bad way. A few years ago Sebastián had an encounter while on a trip. It was just a blowjob and he told me about it straight away and said it didn’t mean anything. It was a surprise, but from that point we decided that I could do the same. We agreed to give each other the freedom to meet other people – not to start a relationship, but to flirt with other guys and use apps to date if that’s what we feel like doing. It’s not cheating or replacing one another, it’s accepting that we both have urges, that we might find other guys attractive.

I travel for work so I use the apps out of curiosity, to chat and maybe meet for a drink. I’m not eager to hook up with people, it’s just if I’m bored and I feel like hanging out with someone.

It’s made me feel more open about sexuality in general. I’m having fun in a way that doesn’t feel as if I’m hurting anybody, and Sebastián can do the same. If it becomes troublesome, we will talk about it, but that hasn’t happened so far. In fact, it’s made us feel closer. It has made me value what we have, which is intimacy and companionship. And also, being away from home so much, these experiences make me realise I have a place to come back to, that I belong to someone.

Sebastián, 35

If we’re travelling separately we can meet up with another guy, maybe something sexual will happen, maybe it won’t

Josué and I had sex more often at the beginning. Over the years, that’s changed – we probably have sex about twice a week now. I’d like it to be more, but he’ll say he’s too tired or doesn’t fancy it. It’s a bit frustrating, but I put myself in his shoes and accept that he doesn’t have the same drive as me.

A few years ago we came to an agreement that we could have a more open-minded relationship. During the pandemic we spent a lot of time together, so we started talking to other people online. It was a mutual agreement. We decided to download dating apps just to see what was out there – not to look for a new partner, it was just chatting with other people. Now if we’re travelling separately we can meet up with another guy, maybe something sexual will happen, maybe it won’t – we might just hang out and have a drink.

Perhaps more conservative couples have a different view of dating apps, but Josué and I have agreed that they don’t affect how we love each other. It’s just that you’re more open about having contact with other people, and not being in such a closed circle. In this situation, honesty and communication are the most important things.

It hasn’t changed how I feel about Josué at all. In fact, it’s the contrary. When you don’t spend all your time with someone you realise how much you miss them. And if another guy has caught my attention, I’ll tell Josué about it. It doesn’t mean that I’m going to fall in love with that other person.

I never think that Josué is cheating on me or messing me around. There’s no jealousy. If there was, it would be exhausting. It might happen that he kisses someone, but my view is that that just happens in the moment, and it doesn’t mean you’re in love with the person. The love between Josué and me hasn’t changed.